Is it just me?.... I wonder aloud. Do other moms miss their grown ass kids? But like.. not that you want them to live with you again.. and not even that you want to go back to those hard days of raising them.... so.. WHAT IS IT??? Is it being needed, that I miss? Is it that I know in my heart of hearts that the most important thing I ever did or will do, is over? Raising humans - that is. Is it that age has somehow crept up on me and shown me all the ways life is forever changed? Fuck if I know.... I think of my kids every single day - in one form or another. Are they well, are they happy, would they tell me if they werent? Did I give them enough? Did I leave them with the knowledge that they truly were the very best part of me? Do they wish I was more involved while I am waiting for their invitations to partake or do they ask out of obligation hoping I will be busy?
3 very different children... all well into adulthood - all living their lives. The end goal for sure for all mommas.
Such a different time from the years I was a young adult and relied on my own parents for so much. I still see them every single week, while it may be months between times I see my own kiddos. Most times I dont feel bad about that... my life is full too, but other times as I see the sun setting again so quickly after just rising - what seems like only moments ago, is it fear that drives my anxiety for them? Fear that they will lose the last threads of whatever attachment there is left - whatever that bond is between mothers and their children?
Is it that I see the age on my parents now - and see the roles reversed in the way I interact with them; and worry that as I slip quietly into that state myself - there will be no adult children to look upon me with love and tolerance for ideas and ways that no longer suite the world?
Is it ever NOT scary - living as a human in this plane of existence? Cuz... for me... it always has had an edge of anxiety to it. I have worked at it for 60 years - and it still creeps up on me - nagging in my ear - tapping me over and over in the center of my chest - much like my older brother used to do to get a rise out of me. WHAT IS IT THAT I AM MEANT TO DO WITH THESE FEELINGS?
Anyone? ...........anyone?.............